Life has many ironies, among them my working at a coffee bar. I don’t like coffee. I think it tastes like a burned log. People talk about flavors and blends and notes and all get is this burned flavor that rates right up there with toast that set off the smoke alarm or marshmallows you have to blow out before you can eat.
“Oh, you just need good coffee,” people tell me. I work at a place that sells Starbucks coffee and the way people go crazy over it, it must have something going for it. I’m telling you, it all tastes the same to me. Bad.
On top of this, I don’t indulge in caffeine very often either. It makes me twitchy. The only time I drink it is when I absolutely need it. Like the times I get to bed at 1:30 in the morning and am up at 4:30. And I don’t mean in the afternoon. But when I must have caffeine, it’s never coffee. Tea, yes. Caffeinated jelly beans, fine. (They’re not actually as bad as they sound. Jelly Belly does a pretty good job.) Occasionally, if I really need it, I’ll have a frozen, blended mocha with whip cream and additional flavoring to bury the espresso taste. But I’ve got to really, really need it, otherwise it will just make me sick. Or so tightly wound you could use me for a high tension spring. And let’s not talk about soda. I gave up soda years ago and now only drink it if I’m hungry. I find high fructose corn syrup very filling.
I get mixed reactions to this at work. Some people enjoy the irony, others go: *gasp* “You work at a Starbucks and you don’t drink coffee?! Heresy!” This amuses me, so I go on to mention that I don’t drink pop or beer either. This almost always leads to the question of what I do drink.
The answer? Water, generally. Herbal tea, though I prefer the loose-leaf stuff to that in those little bags. Milk, though I don’t drink hot chocolate unless I make it myself, because of that high fructose corn syrup in Hershey’s again or all the sugar in the dried powered kind. Juice, if sugar isn’t listed under the ingredients. Sometimes the cane sugar soda, if I want something sweet. Wine. Vodka. Tequila. Brandy. Amaretto. Smoothies, when I can get them.
This list gets me one of my favorite comments: you’re one of the weirdest people I’ve met.
My response? If I’m the weirdest person you’ve met, you need to get out more.