Another topic from 642 Things to Write About. I’ve actually been avoiding this one, moving it around the schedule, skipping it, “forgetting” it, and the like. I’m not even sure why I picked it. Maybe because I thought it would be funny.
Reeeaaaaallllly not sure why I thought that. I don’t have anything to say about this, funny or otherwise. Probably because I don’t actually want to talk about it. Frankly, emotions are messy and I don’t really want to deal with them.
Okay, well, that’s not entirely true. But this “love” thing can leave and take the little dude in the diaper with it. And he can point that bow somewhere else while he’s at it. My head is enough of a mess without that weird Molotov cocktail of emotions that little stupid arrow puts into it. I don’t really like sighing over boys I don’t know how deal with and I really hate saying stupid things when I try. And if I want an elevated heart rate, I can run or something. It will be healthier all the way around.
I don’t like breaking hearts either. It’s embarrassing, it’s awkward, and I always feel guilty afterwards. It’s never intentional. I’m just nice and polite to people. Several guys have fallen for me that I have no interest in beyond friendship and wasn’t trying to flirt with.
I’m not going to pretend to know what I’m looking for in a man. I’m not even sure what I’d settle for at this point. Maybe because I dislike this ‘romantic relationship’ thing so much that I just don’t have the experience necessary to make a decision. And maybe that sentence was just a load of b.s.
What it boils down to is merely frustration. I don’t really want to spend the rest of my life alone. I look at my happily married friends and relatives with some jealousy, but I also listen to the heartbroken and jilted people in my life with more than a little relief. I don’t want to be miserable because of someone else. I can do that well enough without assistance.
And don’t tell me there with be Someone. I don’t really want to deal with Anyone on the subject, much less Someone.
But there was a cute lawyer who stopped that coffee bar last week. I said something stupid, I think. I usually do when someone attractive is involved. Just as well, really. ‘Fraternizing’ has a broad definition and is grounds for termination.
Whatever. I’d like to wash my hands of this matter and be done with it.