Summer’s here and it’s time for the summertime clothes to come out of their drawers and closets. This actually happened a couple weeks ago and since then I’ve had the opportunity to observe several fashion trends that I think need to mentioned. I’d say “mocked,” but as I’ve said before, it’s not my prerogative to make people look like fools – they can do that on their own.
Now, I’d like to preempt this by saying I’m pretty chill with whatever people want to wear. My fashion sense is a bit rough, so I try not to fault other people. Still, having gone clothes shopping last week, I feel the need to make a few observations:
- Rompers are for infants. Not for adults that can button their own pants.
- Girls, don’t wear tube tops and bras. Just don’t.
- Nobody looks good in a tube dress. Nobody. Especially if there is a string around the neck to hold it up.
- Harem pants, while fun, are not practical.
- Same goes for tulle skirts.
- Women’s clothing is listed by even numbers – 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, etc. I wear a size 7. This is neither convenient nor amusing.
- A note to men’s clothing designers: “tall” does not always mean “big.”
- A second note: “big” does not always mean “tall.”
- If you wear a bikini, you are obligated to shave as much of yourself as possible. Don’t forget this step.
- Bikinis, while attractive, are not meant to swim in.
- Men – baseball caps are not sexy. Wearing them backwards does not change this.
- Putting writing on your rear is not a way to make attractive. However, it does guarantee it will be noticed.
- The aforementioned writing sometimes sags. This does not improve things.
- If you think boys have cooties, you don’t need clothes that they will find attractive.
- Comfy as may be, pajama pants are for sleeping in. Wearing them in public shows a lack of respect for yourself and for those around you.
- Underwear with seams up the middle isn’t comfortable on either sex.
- Not everyone can wear a maxi dress. Short people – this means us.
- Just because a fashion magazine recommends it doesn’t mean it’s right. Or that it will look good on you.
- Men – a certain point in your life, going shirtless is considered a wardrobe malfunction.
- Women – if you’ve got the legs for short shorts, live it up. You won’t have ’em forever.
- Sunburns hurt. As long as you’re avoiding sun, not covering these for a couple days is understandable.
- You are not obligated to obey every fashion dictum. Be confident in yourself, not your clothes.
Okay, there was a little mocking in there, but I hope it was pretty painless. One more thing before I leave you until next week:
Gentle teasing is fine. Keeping a friend, or family member, from making a fashion mistake is fine. Vindictive mocking and harassment is NOT fine. It’s mean, hateful, and petty. People who treat other people like this deserve to be locked in a zoo with a plaque entitled: “A Waste of Air” screwed next to the cage.