Fashion! (turn to the left) Fashion! (turn to the right)

Summer’s here and it’s time for the summertime clothes to come out of their drawers and closets.  This actually happened a couple weeks ago and since then I’ve had the opportunity to observe several fashion trends that I think need to mentioned.  I’d say “mocked,” but as I’ve said before, it’s not my prerogative to make people look like fools – they can do that on their own.

Now, I’d like to preempt this by saying I’m pretty chill with whatever people want to wear.  My fashion sense is a bit rough, so I try not to fault other people.  Still, having gone clothes shopping last week, I feel the need to make a few observations:

  • Rompers are for infants.  Not for adults that can button their own pants.
  • Girls, don’t wear tube tops and bras.  Just don’t.
  • Nobody looks good in a tube dress.  Nobody.  Especially if there is a string around the neck to hold it up.
  • Harem pants, while fun, are not practical.
  • Same goes for tulle skirts.
  • Women’s clothing is listed by even numbers – 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, etc.  I wear a size 7.  This is neither convenient nor amusing.
  • A note to men’s clothing designers: “tall” does not always mean “big.”
  • A second note: “big” does not always mean “tall.”
  • If you wear a bikini, you are obligated to shave as much of yourself as possible.  Don’t forget this step.
  • Bikinis, while attractive, are not meant to swim in.
  • Men – baseball caps are not sexy.  Wearing them backwards does not change this.
  • Putting writing on your rear is not a way to make attractive.  However, it does guarantee it will be noticed.
  • The aforementioned writing sometimes sags.  This does not improve things.
  • If you think boys have cooties, you don’t need clothes that they will find attractive.
  • Comfy as may be, pajama pants are for sleeping in.  Wearing them in public shows a lack of respect for yourself and for those around you.
  • Underwear with seams up the middle isn’t comfortable on either sex.
  • Not everyone can wear a maxi dress.  Short people – this means us.
  • Just because a fashion magazine recommends it doesn’t mean it’s right.  Or that it will look good on you.
  • Men – a certain point in your life, going shirtless is considered a wardrobe malfunction.
  • Women – if you’ve got the legs for short shorts, live it up.  You won’t have ’em forever.
  • Sunburns hurt.  As long as you’re avoiding sun, not covering these for a couple days is understandable.
  • You are not obligated to obey every fashion dictum.  Be confident in yourself, not your clothes.

Okay, there was a little mocking in there, but I hope it was pretty painless.  One more thing before I leave you until next week:

Gentle teasing is fine.  Keeping a friend, or family member,  from making a fashion mistake is fine.  Vindictive mocking and harassment is NOT fine.  It’s mean, hateful, and petty.  People who treat other people like this deserve to be locked in a zoo with a plaque entitled: “A Waste of Air” screwed next to the cage.

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